Social Media and Male Sexual Dysfunction
One of the fascinating things about delayed ejaculation (DE) is that when you look at the forums on the Internet where it’s discussed, there are many posts from women asking for advice about the fact that their boyfriend or husband cannot ejaculate during sex.
Here we have the women either taking some kind of responsibility for the man’s problem (perhaps thinking that they are not attractive and maybe that’s why the man is having difficulties ejaculating) or expressing regret, guilt and self blame.
Often they say sex has to stop on account of their vaginal soreness and irritation before their partner’s ejaculated. What’s obvious from these discussion is that they are not talking to their partners about the problem of sex which lasts too long – they are talking to strangers on an internet forum!
Clearly the first step in finding an effective delayed ejaculation treatment is for the partners in a relationship to start communicating about it!
Yes, sometimes all that is necessary is some open and honest communication between a man and his wife about his difficulty ejaculating and how the rights and wrongs of the relationship might be playing out in their sexual connection (or lack thereof).
One reliable indicator of relationship health for a therapist is the level of sexual activity between the partners.
It’s a truism that relationship difficulties mean sex is often the first thing to disappear… and it’s probably a good indication that couples therapy would help, although it’s clearly sensible for a man who cannot orgasm or ejaculate intercourse during sexual activity to see a doctor so that physical issues that might be causing the problem can be ruled out.
So, if a man really does have difficulty achieving orgasm, then it’s necessary for a couple to start a discussion about how they feel around sex.
Men have a reputation for not wanting to talk about their feelings, but difficulties such as this clearly deserved to be talked about openly and honestly.
If a man is really resisting any discussion sexual problems, his partner is the one who can help him to open up and express his feelings about sex in general, and the relationship in particular.
On another page of this site I write about how some men who have difficulty reaching the point of sexual climax may be “withholding” their orgasm because they don’t trust the loss of control that’s involved in the moment of peak sexual pleasure, or perhaps because they don’t trust their sexual partner.
In short, they are frightened of losing control and so are not able to let go or release. Is this a matter of trust?
Video – Men Trusting Women
Video – Women Trusting Men
In every man there is an emotional make-up which comes from the guy’s emotional and sexual experiences in adolescence or childhood. Basically it comes down to this: that the experience of “holding on” somehow feels safe than the experience of “letting go” and releasing.
You can get clues about this by appropriate questioning: was a man hurt by another woman? What was his relationship with his mother like? What was the sexual atmosphere in his family of origin?
Regardless of the level of intimacy a woman enjoys when a man ejaculates inside her, it’s still a fact that this intimacy can be threatening for a man who has trust issues or has been hurt in some way in his childhood.
It’s equally important that a woman doesn’t take responsibility for the man’s ejaculatory problem.
Of course, most women like sexual penetration when they’re aroused, and enjoy the experience of a man ejaculating inside their vagina. Indeed, this is fundamental to the sexual and emotional well-being of most women.
This is why feel so many partners feel inadequate when a man makes love for a prolonged period of time yet does not ejaculate.
So when discussing this with a partner, it’s important for a woman to move beyond her personal feelings of anger, sadness or guilt, while at the same time maintaining the ability to express to her man how she’s feeling in a calm and unemotional way.
It’s entirely appropriate for a woman to explain to a man how long periods of penetration make her feel, both physically and emotionally.
At the very least she is entitled to set down some guidelines for sexual activity: the use of lubricants, or taking breaks during penetration when intercourse lasts for a long time.
Far from regarding herself as a passive victim of the boyfriend’s inability to come during sex, a woman has a major role to play in both establishing the etiology of delayed ejaculation and curing it.
And that’s where we come to another obstacle: the very understandable desire of a man who has this problem to avoid delayed ejaculation treatment because of his embarrassment or shame.
So he has a role to play here too: first of all, he has to reassure his partner that he is happy to be in a relationship with her.
He has to ensure she understands this problem is not necessarily about her attractiveness. Of course if it is, then there are other, deeper, relationship issues to be addressed.
A very good step to take is formal counseling or couples therapy. I say this because when a husband cannto ejaculate during intercourse, this is very often the outward symptom of a relationship issue that needs attention.
Even so, delayed ejaculation can be treated without addressing the underlying issues.
An interesting thing is that when this is done, the relationship often improves dramatically as well. I attribute this to the fact that the increased intimacy that results from sexual intercourse is, in itself, a catalyst for the emotional expression of a man’s deepest feelings.
A slightly different mechanism is at work in the origin of delays in ejaculation when a man has learned to masturbate as a teenager by adopting a forceful and harsh style of masturbation.
This is surprisingly common, and one has to assume that it is something to do with an environment where sexuality in general, and sexual expression in particular, is associated with guilt or shame.
Using a hard object such as the mattress and bed to thrust against requires a lot of effort to produce orgasm, and can condition the human body so that orgasm can only be reached when similar pressure is replicated in later life.
This level of pressure can never possibly be achieved during sexual intercourse, and therefore a man has to find some way of re-sensitizing his penis so that he can ejaculate normally as a result of the normal sensations he gets during sexual intercourse with a woman.
Again, here you might be better off treating the symptoms than exploring the causes. It’s all possible…. see treatment to find out hwo.
Fear Of Pregnancy Or Conception:
A Cause Of Delayed Ejaculation?
Check out the email below – what do you think might be going on? Is he just getting older? Or is he angry at the idea of being a father? Or is he frightened about it? How would you feel if you were this woman?
My husband and I have been trying to conceive (ttc) for 6 months. My husband has always had a few problems with delayed ejaculation, but until now it has not been a problem. When we first started trying his ‘success rate’ was about 1 in 3 or 4 times. That has gradually decreased to nothing at all.
It seems to be affecting him psychologically as he can quite easily orgasm on his own, but it’s getting more and more difficult for him to orgasm with me, and if he does, we can’t guarantee it would be at a time during the month when it would lead to conception. It is very frustrating for both of us.
I am going to try and convince him to go and see a doctor. He has type 1 diabetes and was circumcised as a baby – I don’t know whether either of these things will have an effect on his ability to reach orgasm. He has also always had a low libido (also not good when ttc).
In the meantime, I am wondering if there is anyone out there who has successfully conceived using the ‘turkey baster’ method?! It seems to be our only lifeline at the moment, but I do not know if it is just a myth or if it can actually work. It seems a little clinical and not at all ideal, but I don’t know what else to do as I am 30 and my biological clock is ticking so loudly it keeps me awake at night!