Not to be able to ejaculate during lovemaking is distressing for both a man and his partner. So what causes this problem – delayed ejaculation – and can a man do to speed up his orgasm during sex?
Good questions, and to answer them, there are two areas we need to look at – the emotional or psychological and the physical.
Let’s start with the emotional and psychological.
Ejaculation Problems &
Sexual Problems In Childhood
Things like sexual abuse obviously causes problems later in life. But so does a childhood environment in which sex was regarded as taboo or dirty or shameful. This kind of family environment can lead to the repression of sexual urges in adulthood because there’s so much shame or guilt around sex.
And, let’s face it, men can have all kinds of sexual issues with women, for all kinds of reasons, from outright childhood abuse to unpleasant experiences with bad mothering.
Sometimes the cause isn’t clear, but the problem may be: delayed ejaculation (also called retarded ejaculation), vaginal aversion (you just don’t like the female genitals), premature ejaculation, sexual shame or guilt, low libido… and so on.
The good news is – these conditions can all be cleared, overcome and stopped so you can enjoy a normal sex life!
Anger Towards Women
One of the things I’ve often found associated with ejaculation problems in men – whether they come slowly or quickly – is a high level of conscious or unconscious anger or even rage against women.
And, particularly in the case of premature ejaculation, there’s often a high level of anxiety and fear around sex, lovemaking and intercourse.
And it’s not too far fetched to imagine a man who didn’t want to be a father might respond to pressure from his partner for a pregnancy with delayed (or non-existent) ejaculation.
There are many other psychological explanations which are plausible but which can’t be proved one way or the other.
Some therapists think delayed ejaculation (DE) might be a kind of passive-aggressive hostility, where the withholding of semen is some sort of anger or punishment….
You can deal with this kind of transferential issue in therapy or counseling, but there are also treatment approaches which can sort out the problem by changing things right here, right now, in “real time”.
Low Sexual Confidence
Many men with retarded ejaculation have a low level of sexual self-confidence, or perhaps do not think of themselves as particularly good or skilful lovers.
In general, any emotional conflicts about sex in general and women in particular will appear as a sexual problem – erectile dysfunction, perhaps, or an ejaculation problem. But ejaculation problems can be overcome!
Sidebar: Hypnosis may offer a solution for retarded ejaculation
It May All Start In Childhood
Slow ejaculation is can be one outcome of a harsh, punitive, or unfavorable environment during childhood and adolescence.
And here, counseling may be helpful: it helps to raise man’s self-esteem and to enable him to establish a better relationship with his sexual partner.
Regrettably most men who can’t come during sex are too embarrassed to seek help, which is another reason why we’ve produced a self-help program that can be used at home.