Psychological Causes (2)

Psychological Causes Of Male Anorgasmia

Men with delayed ejaculation (DE) are often rather detached from their feelings, both sexual and non-sexual, and their sexual desires.

(This is not so true in cases of premature ejaculation, where a man often has too great an awareness of his own feelings of sexual desire and arousal!)

And another common theme is that many men with difficulty ejaculating refuse to acknowledge any connection between their emotional history and their current sexual difficulties.

To put this into context, consider how society thinks about male sexuality.

couple embracing
Male sexuality is not the automatic thing which so many people seem to think. Men are just as much at the mercy of their emotions as women.

For example, there is a widespread belief in society that male sexual expression is almost automatic.

How so? Well, see available naked woman, get erect, insert, thrust, ejaculate. Game over. No emotional problems…… makes it all a lot easier…. and of course, life isn’t like that. Usually.

Men have emotional needs too. Even though we try and defend against feeling them – and against feeling our vulnerability.

And in particular, a lot of guys who have delayed ejaculation seem to have trouble forming intimate and satisfying relationships. When you look at their sexual history, they may turn out to be a bit sexually naive or inexperienced, too.

Why would this be so? Well, any kind of male upbringing which emphasizes “toughening up” or battling against “weakness” of any kind will tend to cause a man to deny his emotions, his inner emotional processes, his vulnerability, and his emotional and physical needs .

And during adolescence, the pressure of a boy’s peer group is often about gaining sexual experience, which, together with a lack of traditional rites of passage that would provide a boy with an opportunity for insight into his internal mental processes, can result in difficulty in understanding his role as a sexual being in the adult world.

couple embracing in bed
How well do you understand your emotional world, especially your sexual desires and wishes? And how well do you understand the emotional world of your wife or girlfriend?

The most significant problem, therefore, faced by men with delayed ejaculation is the loss of a sense of their own internal erotic world, or an understanding of it. Think for a moment how we all have an “everyday” reality as well as a “sexual” reality.

Sexual Reality

Our sexual reality is almost a different state of being; it’s certainly a different state of mind, one that allows us to engage in sexual activity with a partner without paying too much attention to the reality of everyday life.

Of course, sexual reality may intrude upon everyday reality in the form of sexual fantasy or sexual thoughts, but it’s generally true to say that most sexually functioning adults are able to differentiate between their everyday reality and their erotic reality with a reasonable degree of clarity.

And if you accept this model of the way human beings think as more or less accurate, it becomes easier to understand how men with sexual dysfunction, and in particular men with delayed ejaculation, end up with apparently so little insight into their own challenges.

Whilst most of us can enter our own erotic world during sexual activity fairly easily, men who have trouble ejaculating during sex with their girlfriend or wife appear to have great difficulty in crossing this boundary and entering into an erotic world of their own. They handle sexuality as a form of everyday reality. This has several possible consequences:

1) A man may have an internal erotic world which is so impoverished that it doesn’t function particularly well as a way of creating sexual excitement, and all sexual stimulation has to be delivered externally.

2) In some men this problem goes even further, as it appears that no matter how much sexual stimulation is applied externally, it somehow never gets translated into sexual arousal internally.

Other men seem to have inhibition around becoming sexually aroused because of historical sexual experiences which involved shame or humiliation as a child.

It’s also been suggested that some men may have difficulty in becoming sexually aroused because they have internalized an association between male sexuality and sexual offences, violence against women, and sexual abuse.

This could arise either from witnessing a father or other significant male adult who was sexually abusive, or simply from internalizing a cultural perception of men as sexual predators.

Every time that male sexuality is described as a problem, instead of the glorious thing that healthy male sexuality can be, every man suffers to some degree because he internalizes a degree of shame and guilt into his construct of masculinity.

In the most extreme case, men can become frozen sexually, unable to respond to sexual stimulation in a healthy way. And, since sexuality and aggression are closely linked, men who have difficulties with aggression may find that their sexuality becomes stunted as well.

Autosexuality

In some cases a kind of autosexual orientation emerges to avoid the pain of this reality, where a man maintains his sexuality as a purely private thing, satisfying himself with fantasy, pornography or cybersex – all emotionally disconnected forms of sexual expression.

At this point you can probably begin to see how complicated the origin of delayed ejaculation can be!

In short, many men who experience difficulty ejaculating when they are having intercourse with their partner or girlfriend simply don’t know how to express their sexuality in a healthy way, and many of them are unable to make what are essentially normal requests of their sexual partners for erotic stimulation of the kind you would expect in a lively sexual relationship.

In such cases, it’s not hard to see how sex can become a mechanical task rather than an emotional interaction that results in shared pleasure.

Are you on autopilot during sexual activity or do you fully, consciously engage with your erotic inner world and the erotic inner world of your partner?
Are you on autopilot during sexual activity or do you fully, consciously engage with your erotic inner world and the erotic inner world of your partner?

One of the interesting and significant things about male ejaculation is that it is normally an unconscious, autonomic reflex response.

But like many other automatic reflexes – urination and breathing come to mind here – some experts have suggested that ejaculation can be consciously inhibited.

This would mean that delayed ejaculation might be the result of emotional inhibition of the ejaculatory response.

In other words, a man might be trying to avoid the anxiety associated with sex, orgasm and ejaculation by holding back his sexual climax.

Another opinion I’ve seen expressed about the cause of delayed ejaculation is that factors such as fear of an unwanted pregnancy, past sexual trauma, or the fear of sexually transmitted diseases might be playing a role in its etiology.

And yet another possibility is that this dysfunction originates in a lack of sexual stimulation, or inhibition about getting one’s own sexual needs met, or a lack of appropriate sexual experience, or some kind of deep-rooted conflict.

But no matter what the cause of difficulty ejaculating, the common factor in its expression is this: all men who cannot ejaculate during sex find that their ability to ejaculate intravaginally is more or less totally inhibited.

As you may gather by now, a wide range of emotional conflicts and causes have been blamed for slow or late orgasm: and while it’s not necessary to go through all of these, there are one or two particularly interesting ones amongst them.

It’s certainly possible that a man whose psychosexual development hasn’t progressed normally for some reason (which might include a distorted relationship with his mother or an inadequate transition from prepubescence into his own masculinity during adolescence) could be seeing sex as an interaction that has incestuous overtones.

Another possibility is that when a man is unable to ejaculate he fears the loss of self that occurs in the moment of orgasm.

Video – An interesting viewpoint

And for those men whose penis has somehow become subconsciously associated with aggression, it’s entirely possible that sexual intercourse, and indeed especially its climax or orgasm, might be seen as threatening and harmful for women.

Most of all, of course, we think of delayed ejaculation as somehow representing a fear of letting go, a fear of loss of control….caused, perhaps, by sexual embarrassment or shame, guilt, conflict, a fear of loss of control or not being manly (after all, aren’t men always in charge, in control?)….caused in turn by a belief that men have to be in control at all times.

It’s also possible that a deep, unconscious level of hostility or rage towards women is responsible for a man’s inability to ejaculate.

In many cases this is hidden behind a lack of truly masculine behavior, such as an overly caring and gentle attitude towards women.

For some men with problems reaching orgasm, sexual excitement may be dependent on specific paraphilic stimuli. Sexual arousal that comes from, say, fantasy may be sufficient to achieve an erection but it may not be sufficient to drive a man’s level of arousal high enough to cause ejaculation.

The same is true of acting out with role play, specific items of clothing, sex toys and such practices as BDSM.

It’s also been suggested that ejaculatory dysfunction is a psychosomatic problem.

But, unfortunately, ideas like the ones listed above which might explain men’s difficulty in ejaculating during intercourse with wives, partners and girlfriends can’t be proved scientifically.

One thing that we do know is that many men who have problems with a slow ejaculation used what are euphemistically known as “idiosyncratic” techniques of masturbation during their adolescence – such as high-frequency, high-pressure hand movements, mattress humping, or harsh pressure.

In fact, it may not be too much of an exaggeration to say that this is one of the main causes of delayed ejaculation, for the movements of intercourse produce stimulation of a far lower intensity than that resulting from “idiosyncratic masturbation”.

In many cases, therefore, a man who cannot ejaculate may have simply conditioned himself to ejaculate only in response to a particular type of stimulation – a certain level of pressure and frequency of hand movements (or other kind of stimulation).

Traumatic Masturbatory Syndrome is an example of this. But while you may think a sexual dysfunction produced by such conditioning may be very challenging to cure, it is entirely possible to retrain the body to become more aroused, more easily, so that the reflex of ejaculation is triggered by a lower level of stimulation.

 

Simple, powerful, effective solutions for men who have difficulty coming during intercourse