Porn & Delayed Ejaculation

The easy availability of Internet pornography seems to have led to an unexpected increase in sexual dysfunction in men. And that may include delayed ejaculation.

Before we look at that, it’s worthwhile considering how much porn there is around.

Back in, I think, 2004, Pamela Paul wrote a book called “Pornified“, in which she discovered the extent of Internet porn.

There is so much porn around - and it plays a part in male sexual dysfunction.
There is so much porn around – and it plays a part in male sexual dysfunction.

Having started out expecting porn to be used only by “losers who couldn’t get a date” (in her words), she discovered that in actual fact pornography usage crossed every economic, ethnic, religious, educational, and social divide.

She describes herself as not being a naive person, but states that she was shocked by what she discovered: at the time there were 420 million pages of Internet porn – obviously an estimate – and by now that figure is probably more like several billion. (But let’s not panic. In 2016, at the time of writing, little of 4% of the web may be made up of porn.)

Here’s the problem though: she gave one example of an interview with a woman who said she was relaxed about porn, that she used it with her boyfriend used it, and that it was “fun”.

However, it transpired after a few minutes’ more discussion, that in fact this woman’s boyfriend looked at porn “all night long”, that their sexual relationship was a disaster, and that she was considering getting breast implants.

Now why should such a thing have happened?

From a male point of view, interacting with pornography is clearly easier than attracting with a real person in a relationship – and the same thing probably applies to gay and straight men alike.

Because men are visual, or at least they are reputed to be, is not hard to see why the immediate visual impact of porn can be so compelling. But to hear of marriages breaking up and sexual relationships being “a disaster area” because of male porn use is a bit harder to understand.

One psychotherapist, Ian Kerner, has suggested a new name for this phenomenon: sexual attention deficit disorder (SADD).

The sheer variety of internet porn may be one reason for male sexual problems
The sheer variety of internet porn may be one reason for male sexual problems

He claims that the easy access to Internet porn, and the sheer variety and the extreme novelty that it contains, has affected average men who wouldn’t normally have any kind of sexual problem with erectile dysfunction and delayed ejaculation.

He points out that people with attention deficit disorder or ADD are easily distracted, and claims that guys with this new problem of SADD are similar in that they are now so used to the extreme level of visual novelty and stimulation in internet porn that they just can’t focus on having sex with a woman in the flesh.

Check out this video – especially around 3 minutes in

Effects of Excess Porn
– Delaying Male Climax

The consequence of this is that they find it difficult to maintain an erection, they may experience delayed ejaculation, or they discover they can only reach orgasm with masturbation or oral sex as the main means of stimulation.

He says that men with SADD find themselves getting impatient or perhaps bored during sex. While they may be physically aroused, they certainly are not mentally aroused, or at least not at the level of mental arousal necessary for satisfactory sex.

Furthermore, and perhaps less surprisingly, because many users of porn masturbate so much, they’re actually physically and emotionally depleted.

Kerner makes the point that he first became aware of this new condition because he met women who complained that their men were unable to ejaculate or were even faking ejaculation – or women who said that their male partners had become uninterested or disconnected from them during sex.

Talking to these men, Kerner discovered that it was the access to Internet porn that resulted in these men masturbating much more frequently than would be expected, and even continuing to masturbate just as frequently as they got older, even though you would expect to masturbate less as they aged.

The effect of all this, claims Kerner, is to rewire the brains of these men so that they’re looking for instant gratification – “pornography enabled orgasm” in effect. And this is an idiosyncratic masturbation method – which is a major cause of delayed ejaculation.

In effect these men are now accustomed to an intense type of physical stimulation to reach orgasm, a level of stimulation is much greater than the man experiences during sexual intercourse. In addition, their desire level has decreased, and they need to have a fantasy during sex in order to maintain a hard erection.

Furthermore, there are similarities between Internet porn addiction and other addictions: particularly in the tendency of men who use porn to seek out either greater quantities of it, or more extreme forms of it. In both cases, this is a response to the reduction in stimulation that accrues from the constant use of the stimulant.

While it may be too strong to draw parallel with drug addiction, there are similarities.

Interestingly enough, about two thirds of men who use porn answered affirmatively when asked if they felt they could become addicted to it. So men are aware of the danger here, they feel drawn into it, and probably unable to resist. Good treatment methodologies using emotional freedom technique or EFT can help.

What I find interesting about Paul’s work is that even though this work was done, I think, in 2004, she reported very similar effects to the ones discussed by Ian Kerner.

In short, she said that men using pornography, no matter how proud or open they were about their use of it, often reported that they were having trouble enjoying sex with their partners.

This applied to both casual users and addicts. Neither group tended to be defensive about their use of pornography, but she concluded that both groups of men had programmed themselves to only response sexually to computerized, commercialized pornography.

Now that’s a frightening thought.

Paul also observed that whereas 15 years ago somebody might have gone to the video store and picked up a cassette from time to time, nowadays people who use porn will spend between 30 and 45 minutes online a day, which is what Ian Kerner found as well.

It figures that you’re not going to use porn unless you want to actually get off with it: and it’s so much easier orgasming to an image on screen than negotiating with a real person to have sex.

Bear in mind that pornography use has now extended to every single group in society, parents, children, Christians, non-religious, black, white, every color in between, every social group, every level of education….. it’s completely pervasive in our society.

A chaplain called Henry Rogers, who has looked into the matter, estimated that between 40% and 70% of men who call themselves evangelicals say they struggle with pornography.

In this case, the struggle might not be looking at it, but avoiding looking at it.

One of the problems with pornography, I believe, is that women feel unable to negotiate or even discuss the issue with their men.

They’ve come somehow to accept that pornography is normal, even though it is undoubtedly degrading to women, particularly the more extreme forms available on the Internet.

(It’s my opinion that a lot of porn is actually driven by hatred of women and anger against women, emotions which most men have to some degree, even if these emotions are unconscious, in shadow.)

The fact that women would feel it acceptable for their man to use porn, or feel that it is cool, sexy or hip to look at porn strikes me as an absolute tragedy.

In some ways, this acceptance of porn as normal is a corruption of female sexual values, just as much as men’s use of porn – and the consequence for women is less intimacy while delayed ejaculation is the consequence for men.

Another aspect of pornography is that even when men are having trouble with delayed ejaculation or erectile dysfunction, they will maintain a denial about their addiction for a long time.

Even if they’re staying up until one or two o’clock in the morning, they’re not going to do anything about their addiction until something triggers a reaction that is big enough to promote change.

In addition, although it’s been denied by some researchers, it seems that men who use pornography experience a crossover into their real lives: they may start visiting sex chat rooms, going to sex workers, or visiting sex clubs.

In some cases men have acted out the scenes they have seen in pornography.

Certainly they experience delayed ejaculation more often than you would expect bearing in mind one man in ten experiences it in the wider population.

I’m not concerned here with the political or social aspects of pornography, simply the effect on men sex lives, which can be disastrous, resulting in erectile dysfunction or sexual dysfunction such as delayed ejaculation.

To get some kind of resolution of this issue, you can either seek out treatment for porn addiction, or you can employ some self-help steps.

To start with, lay off the masturbation: or if you can’t do that, do it with your partner.

Decrease how often you masturbate, and when you do self pleasure, usual non-dominant hand to give yourself a different, milder experience.

Next, although it may be obvious, stop watching porn so much. Although it’s not ideal, you can use fantasy to help yourself get aroused (relying on fantasy is also a key element of the inability to ejaculate during sex);  if you can focus on episodes of sex with your partner so much the better.

Finally, increase the level of sexual novelty you enjoy with your partner. Share your fantasies with each other, experiment with role-play, and take time to become aroused before you enjoy intercourse.

 If you can move on to something that is arousing but not pornographic such as tantra video, that may well help you to wean yourself off extreme pornography.

The essence is to move away from your computer and into your bedroom, so you put your attention back on each other rather than on computerized sex. Only in that way is your problem with delayed ejaculation going to lessen.

Simple, powerful, effective solutions for men who have difficulty coming during intercourse