Introduction Continued

Factors Affecting Ejaculation Speed

Unfortunately, as men age, physical stimulation tends to be much less effective at generating an erection, so that men may panic at what seems to be a loss of sexual potency, or they may turn to drugs that are erection enhancing.

In either case, they really need to be working on their level of mental arousal and increasing the level of stimulation they are experiencing so they can fully immerse themselves in sexual activity.

Of course, doing this helps a man to be sexually connected to his partner; conversely, when men aren’t aware of these things, they are missing out on the sexual experience in many different and subtle ways — all of which can contribute to ejaculatory delay or difficulty in reaching the point of orgasm and ejaculation.

Obviously delayed ejaculation isn’t a simple condition, but it does have some straightforward aspects. What we can say is that all the aspects of the problem merge together to produce a unique reason why an individual man has trouble ejaculating during lovemaking.

Of course the important question in Kerner’s mind was what men could do if they are experiencing any difficulty with delayed ejaculation.

Kerner’s quick tips if you can’t come:

1) Focus on foreplay – in particular, focus on the mental aspects of foreplay. Simply having an erection is not adequate proof that you are turned on. Indeed, even with a harden and long-lasting erection, a man may not be sufficiently aroused either physically or psychosexually (that just means in the mind) to achieve orgasm during intercourse.

Foreplay can help arouse you if you need a long time to get turned on.
Foreplay is important as it can arouse both the man and the woman.

And if a man is using Viagra, well, that’s especially likely to be true. As Perelman puts it, “blood may be flowing into his penis, but sex may not be flowing into his mind”. Master of the snappy quote, Perelman also said that “obtaining and maintaining an erection requires both friction and fantasy”. Seriously, you need much more of both of those things as you get older.

2) Check out your general medical health.

I think this is less of a factor, but it’s certainly true that delayed ejaculation can sometimes indicate a problem in the body. For example, that may mean degenerative disease of the nervous system, possibly occlusion of the blood vessels due to fatty deposits, or the use of antidepressants or antihypertensives.

All of these can contribute to delayed ejaculation. In addition, it’s worth having your prostate checked, and considering whether or not any medication you being prescribed for benign prostatic hyperplasia (BPH) may be interfering with ejaculation. Apparently alpha blockers sometimes do this.

3) Slow down your masturbation.

Or, rather, take a break from it if you’re finding that both sex and masturbation is demanding too much of you. You can’t cope with the same level of sexual “release” at the age of 50 that you did 20 or even 30.

Your refractory period – that’s the time between erections – will increase as you age, and so will your latency period – which is the time it takes you to get to “the point of no return” – as you get older.

4) Now we come to a contentious issue – pornography.

I’ve heard many men talk about porn in all kinds of ways, usually defending it, probably because it’s so addictive and stimulating.

And it’s true that porn does come (no pun intended) in many different forms, and serves many different purposes. Arguably the more romantic and sensual porn which depicts sex in respectful and consensual relationships, and shows men and women enjoying orgasmic pleasure in a truly consensual setting is a great aid to eroticism.

However, the problem is that much porn depicts a totally unrealistic sexual performance by men, a sexual performance so different to that of the average man that it represents a totally unrealistic “sexpectation” (Perelman again).

Now, the problem here is that when there’s a big difference between what you can actually achieve during sex with a partner and the sex that you have in your fantasy life (or when you’re watching porn), you’re likely to experience some problems – and delayed ejaculation is the most common of them.

Porn stimulates anxiety, it stimulates unrealistic expectations, and it causes a man to feel inadequate in and out of bed.

And when a man feels inadequate, he becomes anxious, and anxiety can certainly be a cause of delayed ejaculation. At the very least, it makes it worse.

You see, comparing yourself with the men who appear in porn films, and the way they behave during sex, can make you feel unattractive, sexually inadequate, and believe that you’re not measuring up in the way that society, your fellow men, and even your partner expects.

(Problem is, she doesn’t, at least not 99% of the time. And did you ever ask her what she expects of you in sex?)

But relationships with delayed ejaculation often involve poor communication, so a man and his partner are not likely to talk about this, either.

5) Engage in better communication.

Whatever the problem you have in your relationship, whether you’re feeling anxiety or anger, or a lack of attraction, or boredom with your sex life, or a low level of sexual desire… it may be causing or contributing to delayed ejaculation.

Of course things change over time – everything does: your relationships, sex, people, you, your job, your world, your maturity, your health… all these things, and everything else besides, change over time.

And not talking about the issues that change produces will get you nowhere because you will effectively be having sex based on the expectations and beliefs that you held about yourself, about your partner, and about sex, many years before.

Video – good communication

Good communication between partners, husbands, wives and boyfriends and girlfriends when a man cannot come during sex is essential.

Perelman also said that men with delayed ejaculation generally have high levels of relationship distress, a lot of sexual dissatisfaction, anxiety about sexual performance, and very often more general health issues too.

So really, this is all about emotional awareness, it’s about knowing that you have to step out beyond the boundaries of yourself and your own emotional and psychological world, engaging in a constructive way with your partner, educating yourself about the changes that will happen to you and your body, and adapting the way that you respond to sexual stimulation as you age. Among other things!