A man’s inability to ejaculate…
…is a challenge for him and his partner.
Delayed ejaculation (DE) has attracted a lot of interest on social media of one sort or another.
The discussion reported below emphasizes the way that delayed ejaculation can make sex into hard work, looks at the emotional aspects of DE, and considers the woman’s point of view.
This is one of the biggest discussions about slow ejaculation problems on the Internet, in one of the biggest emotional/psychological forums there is: Psychforums.com – and here’s what it’s all about….
One man starts by saying that he’s decided to share his story because he’s met somebody special (a woman) and he wants to enjoy the sexual experience, and he also wants to help other men with the condition.
After some platitudes about how you “should” feel great about yourself even when you can’t “complete” during sex, he moves on to say that he’s 23 and has experienced delayed ejaculation all his life. He’s had sex with 7 partners including his new “special” date.
He mentions the fact that he grew up in the Internet age where masturbation to porn was the standard pastime for most adolescent males — and he does make, quite correctly, the observation that masturbation has never been so, well, encouraged as it is now, with the availability of highly arousing Internet pornography.
Then he admits that his problem is both psychological and physical.
He had low self-esteem as a teenager, and gradually found it harder and harder to achieve ejaculation, either with masturbation or with sexual intercourse.
At first he thought that this was a great blessing, because while he could go on forever without ejaculating, he also believed that girls would love this.
So he explained his condition to himself by attributing it to “nerves”, and not being “emotionally attached” to the women with whom he was having sex.
But inevitably he had to face the truth when he had a five-hour sex session with a gorgeous girl, and still failed to ejaculate.
He then realized he did indeed have a problem!
She was attractive, he was aroused, it felt nice … but no ejaculation.
And then he knew that there was something “wrong” with him, but he kept telling himself that sexual intercourse would be alright with the next woman, that if he waited for the perfect girl, and loved her, he’d be able to “get the job done”.
So now he’s been with his special girl for a month, and she’s perfect in every way, and he gets turned on from simply kissing her and just thinking about her, but … well, you’ve guessed it – still no ejaculation.
And interestingly, he says to his girl that it takes him a few times with a new partner before he is comfortable enough to reach orgasm (which he describes in his posting as “a big lie”).
But all of this makes him feel depressed, inadequate, and sad – specifically like a “worthless piece of crap lying to myself, lying to her, not being able to perform, and not being a man”. He’s hard on himself, for sure.
He suggests that doctors are out of order when they say that if you can’t come inside the vagina it’s psychological and therapy is needed. And he thinks they’re wrong to say the success rate for treatment is low (I agree with him there!). Self-help, he says, is key!
That’s why he gains inspiration from reading the accounts people have posted of their experience in online forums: he says that reading people’s stories is “inspiring”, and he trusts that by using his will and determination he can beat delayed ejaculation.
Ah, now this is interesting: at this point he admits that he’s recently had sex with his special girl again and this time he’s opened up to her.
He describes that as the hardest and most embarrassing thing he’s ever done, with a considerable level of fear that she would laugh, leave, and give him up.
But no! She’s willing to help him – and now he realizes that she likes him as a person and she’s willing to fight this demon head-on beside her man!
So his strategy is:
- to talk to her as much as possible during sex
- masturbate less
- masturbate with his other hand*
- don’t use a tight grip during masturbation
- and find out as much as possible about the condition.
*The idea of using the other hand is to alter the stimulation on the penis during masturbation to get a different experience…… it’s a well-known therapeutic trick, which demonstrates to a man that if he can’t come using his own hand, then how can he ever expect to come in the vagina.
(Using the other hand for masturbation generally disrupts the established pattern that a man uses to stimulate himself, and often shows him he can’t ejaculate with less stimulation – he is conditioned to respond only to hard and fast masturbation techniques.)
Failure To Ejaculate and Low Self-Esteem
A guy who responds to him talks about low self-esteem as a common factor in cases of delayed ejaculation.
This guy is trying meditation and “being open and honest” as well. And he also has employed an interesting trick which I’ve never heard used before: which is reaching orgasm with his partner while she watches on webcam (I mean, they’re in two separate locations).
He thinks that this might have broken down some barriers because he’d never been able to reach orgasm in front of a girl before.
The way I see it is this: that he was actually taking things slowly and surely at his own pace.
Why? Because being able to get to know somebody slowly is a good way to build intimacy. There’s no rush, there’s no pressure, and there’s no need to perform sexually in bed. That’s critical!
It could be that he’s onto something here – and to me, that might be the building of trust between the two people concerned.
I suspect a lot of husbands who cannot ejaculate during sex may not trust women at a very deep level.
Certainly a lot of boyfriends who have difficulty ejaculating seem not to wish to make themselves vulnerable, as we all are when we reach orgasm and ejaculate. Another way of putting this might be to say that these me are attempting to stay in control.
Another contributor makes the point that admitting the condition to his girlfriend seems to have actually increased his anxiety.
He says that this is probably because admitting it compounded the anxiety so that other awareness came up – his repressed self-hatred, which he claims men with this condition may suffer from.
He makes the ironic yet highly accurate remark that “it’s amazing what anxiety can do to kill life in your penis”.
At this point one of the original contributors comes back with the observation that he’s now taking a CBT program: and it’s been a great relief talking to his therapist about his social anxiety.
There’s a link between social anxiety and sexual problems; indeed he goes far as to say that the prospect of sex is causing him “loads and loads” of anxiety.
What Women Think When A Man Is Unable To Ejaculate During Intercourse
And then he makes the point that the problem is obviously hurting his girlfriend, even though she’s by his side.
This is a common factor. A woman actually wants her man to ejaculate inside her, because that is a proof to her of how attractive and how arousing she is to him: this is an essential part of a woman’s self-esteem.
It also turns out that when he was away with his girlfriend for a weekend he set certain goals — such as having sex and reaching orgasm — and that things haven’t panned out that way, so now he’s having a hard time dealing with it.
When I read these posts, I see over and over again this pattern of anxiety, of endless worrying about the question of not being able to ejaculate, of ruminating almost ceaselessly over delayed ejaculation.
What I’m thinking at this point is that there is a big self-esteem issue here, as well as a confidence issue.
Most of these guys don’t sound like they’re actually in their masculine power, and they’re turning to things like hypnotherapy, NLP, CBT, and meditation, as possible cures.
Could it be that the real cure lies within?
However, they’re not actually dealing with the issues that caused them to develop delayed ejaculation in the first place.
Once again, you’d be forgiven for thinking that a psychodynamic approach, that is to say one which delves into a man’s emotional history, is essential for curing this issue.
In fact I don’t actually believe that’s always true, although it does seem to help: in some cases, particularly where a man’s masturbated all his life with hard and fast movements, all that’s needed to overcome the problem may be retraining his body to respond to more gentle stimulation.
But there is definitely also something going on in these cases which is about mental attitude, self-esteem, anxiety and worry. In essence, it sounds like these guys just don’t feel that they’re good enough.