If you read around on the Internet, you’re going to find a lot of men talking about idiosyncratic masturbation.
What this means is that many men can’t ejaculate during intercourse, but only by masturbation with their own hand – or perhaps sometimes with the help of a partner’s hand.
The reason for this is because they require a much firmer pressure and perhaps speed of stroke to reach orgasm than can be provided during intercourse in a warm wet vagina.
You might think at first that this is a penis sensitivity issue, and in one sense you’d be right.
Generally speaking when you talk to men who who are in this situation, what you find is that they learned to masturbate using a hard stroke, or perhaps by thrusting into the mattress without using the hand at all.
Clearly this can be a problem when a man later comes to have intercourse – there simply isn’t enough pressure to reach orgasm. There’s a scientific article on idiosyncratic masturbation here.
It’s a kind of conditioning response where the body expects hard pressure and fast strokes on the penis to be able to reach the level of stimulation necessary for orgasm.
The good news about this is that this can be reversed by training the body to respond to lower levels of stimulation, just as it was conditioned to respond to high levels of stimulation in the first place.
But there is some bad news too!
and Delays In Orgasm
In general men who have this problem seem to find sexual relief by masturbating to pornography, and there is a kind of addictive quality about this. At least, some people see porn use as an addiction – I’m not sure I agree with that, as I think porn use can simply be very rewarding, and we all seek out pleasurable experiences.
The problem is, of course, that for as long as a man seeks sexual relief by masturbating to porn in his traditional hard and fast style, he’s not going to have the opportunity to retrain his body to a softer, gentler style of stimulation with his partner.
You see where I’m going with this?
Yes, a man needs to be willing to give up porn use and/or masturbating vigorously with hard strokes, and dedicate the time and effort to gaining sexual relief with his partner using more gentle stimulation.
The problem, as you might have guessed, is that a man’s sexual drive generally takes him back to porn, no matter how good his intentions might be in the first place.
Video – porn and delays in reaching orgasm
So how can this problem be resolved?
We know that delayed ejaculation can occur for a number of reasons, including the side-effects of prescription medication, high levels of stress and anxiety, possibly high levels of anger and resentment, or boredom, disconnection from one’s internal world sexuality in fantasy, aversion to sex, and latent homosexuality (perhaps).
In essence the problem for most men, though, is that they’re simply not getting enough stimulation. If they’re going to stop masturbating with a hard and fast style, then this level of stimulation needs to be replaced or substituted in some way.
In general a sexual partner isn’t able to provide the same level of stimulation as the man can for himself, because he alone knows exactly how his penis needs to be stimulated to reach orgasm. So the greater level of stimulation necessary to reach orgasm has to be provided in some other way.
This could be oral sex (if a man finds that particularly stimulating), or it could be some other way in which more sexual novelty can be introduced into a sexual relationship – emotional/mental novelty is a good place to start….
So you could use “dirty talk”, if that’s particularly arousing and stimulating, or you could try role-playing, sharing fantasies, or thinking about the things that you can do together which you find exciting and which will increase the level of sexual arousal for the man – especially as he comes nearer to the point of ejaculation.
In addition, some men have found particularly it’s effective to identify the trigger points on their bodies which make them respond particularly strongly to sexual stimulation. For example this might be nipple stimulation, anal stimulation, scrotal stimulation, or even internal prostate stimulation.
There has to be a willingness here on the part of the man to abstain from masturbation for at least a few days, and a willingness on the part of both a man and his partner to explore different ways of achieving sexual stimulation and higher levels of arousal.
By the way, if you’re experiencing sexual performance anxiety, then it’s well worth dealing with that aspect of the situation before you start trying to overcome the idiosyncratic masturbation style you’ve developed, since anxiety can be an inhibitor to ejaculation and arousal.
We’ve spoken elsewhere on this website about autosexuality – in essence, this is simply a situation where a man prefers sexual stimulation from his own hand to stimulation from a partner in any form.
That hints at the need for some kind of counseling or therapy to resolve the issues and tease out what might be causing this preference for “solo sex”. It’s not homosexuality, it’s just a preference for sexual relief with oneself rather than another person.
If you’re in this situation, then you might need to readjust your expectations of real sex with partner so that they are are in line with your internal fantasies about what sex with a partner can offer.
That’s particularly true if you employ “idiosyncratic” masturbation, and there is some current disparity between the reality of being with a sexual partner and the type of fantasy you have about what that might be like…. in such a situation it’s well worthwhile seeking out ways in which you can find greater levels of erotic stimulation before and during sexual intercourse.
Abstaining from sex can certainly increase the level of “sexual tension” you feel, and this in turn can help you to reach orgasm, but ultimately this is about finding a way in which you can become more stimulated and more aroused through the touch and presence of your partner in a sexual situation.
If you want to read more about this, there’s a great deal of information on the treatment program on this website, which you can find in the top right-hand corner of this page.