Is There A Solution For Men Who Cannot Ejaculate During Intercourse?
Getting over this problem really is down to you, because there aren’t any drugs that can treat delayed ejaculation, and it’s usually not due to penile insensitivity, despite what you might think.
Sure, your threshold ejaculation – the point at which your sexual arousal triggers your ejaculation reflex – might be very high, but the main reason why most men don’t reach this point is simply because they’re not getting enough stimulation of the right kind to arouse them sufficiently during lovemaking.
Yes, and that’s true despite the fact that a man can have a hard erection, feel aroused, and make love for the longest time.
Ask yourself how often you’ve felt like you were going to come and then never ejaculated?
Not very often, I’ll guess. Extraordinary, isn’t it?
The Main Features Of
Delayed ejaculation can occur in every sexual situation you’re in – in which case it’s called generalized, or it can occur only in certain circumstances or with certain partners – in which case it’s called situational.
Some men masturbate normally, some men will have nocturnal emissions, some men do neither.
But there’s one thing that all men who have difficulty ejaculating have in common: somewhere along the line, somewhere between the thought of sex, and the (non-existent, perhaps) moment of orgasm, something goes wrong with their sexual arousal mechanism.
Perhaps this is an internal thing, so a man is not allowing himself, consciously or unconsciously, to get aroused.
Maybe it’s about sexual aversion, or even vaginal aversion – or, dare I say it, aversion to women at an unconscious level.
And there’s an interesting idea about autosexuality – some men, perhaps, simply prefer sex with themselves than with others. We’ll look all these possibilities, autosexuality included.
For the moment, it’s simply enough to know there’s a whole spectrum of difficulties, and there’s always somebody worse off than you!
In terms of overcoming the problem, intention is everything – which is why you’re here, no doubt. Because you’ve already made a decision that enough is enough, and it’s time to overcome this problem. Right?
Relationships seem to suffer because of DE – but could the relationship actually be the CAUSE of a man’s sexual problems?
A lot of the men with this particular sexual challenge see sex as hard work, and of course it isn’t very satisfying – perhaps the pleasure comes from the satisfying the female partner….. but she’s not likely to be too happy about it.
Video – Definition of Delayed Ejaculation
The really important thing here is that men with ejaculatory dysfunction of this kind often experience a delay in ejaculating (if indeed they can ejaculate at all) of 45 minutes or more, compared with an average time of 6 to 9 minutes in the population as a whole.
Having a man thrust for up to 45 minutes without ejaculating can be frustrating, make a woman sore, and lead to boredom and lack of excitement. Let along the thought that a woman may come to believe she is unattractive or her man doesn’t love her!
Is the expectation of sex an exciting or a depressing thought?
So delayed ejaculation can cause a lot of relationship and sexual difficulties and place an tremendous burden on any relationship.
If you feel unhappy about the consequences it’s having on your relationship, then why not make the decision to overcome it?
That way you can actively look forward to sex, stop faking orgasm (it happens!) and build a better or different relationship with your partner.
How Easy Is It To Overcome This Problem?
Some men find it easy to overcome DE, and others don’t. Your motivation, desire, and intention have a lot to do with your success. But since you won’t know till you try, why not get started?
This may be needed, but opinions differ. After all, what is a dysfunction, a problem, to one man, is normal to another.
As Dr Stanley Ducharme – a sex therapist – says, different people have very different ideas about what constitutes an ejaculation “disorder” or problem. I mean, would five minutes of lovemaking before climax constitute delayed ejaculation for a man who had previously been ejaculating in two minutes?
Ask it another way: how long does the time between penetration and ejaculation – known as the ejaculatory latency period – have to be before you can say that a man has a case of “delayed ejaculation”?
You can get an idea by looking at the distribution of ejaculation time between penetration and ejaculation in the whole population. Here it is.
As you can see, the average time to ejaculation is about 5 minutes from intercourse starting. In theory, anything over that is slow. But really, I doubt if most men would start worrying until 10 minutes had passed without any sign of them coming….
You might wonder if that’s an important question.
Because I’m quite sure that when you’re having trouble ejaculating, you’re not really looking for a definition. You know you’ve got a problem, and you want an effective solution.
But the thing is, there is an interesting question there.
Some couples might be very satisfied with five minutes of intercourse, while others would expect twenty minutes as a matter of course.
So if a man in the first group found himself thrusting for twenty minutes without spurting inside his partner, would he have delayed ejaculation? The answer is, maybe, maybe not. Some answer, eh?
But I think the key factor here is control. Or choice. in other words, what people want for themselves.
You see, when a man doesn’t have the ability to control when he ejaculates, he is at the mercy of his body: whether he comes too fast, or not fast enough, the fact is, if he has no choice in the matter, he has a problem.
So with delayed ejaculation treatment (aka retarded ejaculation) when a man is having trouble reaching the point of orgasm and ejaculation during intercourse.
Clearly it’s important to know if he is having the same problem during masturbation, and it might even be important to know if he’s having / had a problem with all his partners, or just with a specific one.
You might also want to establish, if you were talking to this man as a therapist, whether delayed ejaculation had just started being a problem recently, or he’d had it all his life.
You see, all of these things provide a clue about the origin of his “ejaculatory dysfunction”.
And that matters, because a lot of men come to treatment only after they’ve really begun to suffer in some way: that might be getting pressure from a partner, or it might be the fact that a man has finally woken up to the fact that he is a “sexual failure” in someone’s eyes (his own, his partner’s, society’s?)
Or perhaps he’s just decided that his inability to shoot his load is just not good enough, and he’s now decided he wants to enjoy his biological birthright: sexual pleasure when he’s with a woman (or a man, if that’s what rocks his boat).
Now, assuming that a man decides to see a therapist because the pressure of retarded, slow or non-existent ejaculation has somehow become too much, what needs to happen?
The most successful approach by far is for the therapist to talk to both the man and his partner. This is because delayed ejaculation is a couple’s problem, not the man’s problem alone.
If the man comes for treatment on his own, then his partner’s frustration and lack of understanding about what is going on may mean the problem continues unchanged.
The point is, if he doesn’t have the support of his partner, the pressure and stress that he may get from her (him, sometimes) can make it extremely difficult for him to successfully use any kind of treatment successfully.
And it’s important that retarded ejaculation is sorted out: that’s because any kind of ejaculation problem can have a massive effect on self-esteem, in particular making a man feel like he’s a sexual failure.
He may feel he doesn’t have much to offer in a relationship. He may tend to avoid any kind of intimacy with his partner.
So no matter how optimistically and positively a relationship may start out, resentment, anger, and feelings of rejection can often develop as his ejaculation problem becomes more obvious.
For the woman, it’s only natural to begin wondering if she’s really sexually desirable — after all, her man can’t ejaculate inside her during intercourse, which like it or not, is what most women expect during sex.
Low Sex Drive
When I talk to men with delayed ejaculation (DE), it’s often not clear whether their low sex drive (which is common) came before or after the delays in reaching ejaculation.
Certainly low sex drive can be of the consequences of sexual frustration.
But you also need to ask if it can be one of the causes too. And if low sex drive is caused by a lack of testosterone, maybe hormonal testing and, if needed, testosterone supplementation, can reveal the answer to that question.
In fact, with a man’s inability to ejaculate, sex in general can become more frustrating than enjoyable.
Certainly it can be devoid of pleasure for both and woman alike. This leads to a perception that sex is more about “work” than pleasure.
And the woman can sometimes be so angry at her partner that she just loses interest in sex altogether.
Only when a couple in this situation agree to go to treatment together is success is going to be ensured.
Strangely enough, some men have other fears behind delayed ejaculation: things as diverse as performance anxiety, fear of rejection, worries about infertility, or just an overweening desire to please a partner.
And, again and again I see it – DE caused by trauma experienced early in life can also be a factor here.
To Dig Out The Past – Or Not?
Opinions differ as to whether you have to dig into the past to resolve delayed ejaculation in the present.
So if you’re looking for a cure for delayed ejaculation, don’t be put off by the fact that you think you might have to delve deep down into your past. That’s not necessarily the case.
Traditional behavior therapy for DE involves a process of having the man start sex by masturbating, then move to intercourse at the point where he is almost ready to ejaculate. Once he’s managed to ejaculate successfully into his partner’s vagina, the couple begin intercourse earlier and earlier in the process.
This can be very successful for some men; for others, it’s a disaster, because the harsh masturbation and the unromantic maneuver whereby his partner squats on his penis just increases his aversion to sex….. which is a bit like the ship crashing into the harbor wall.
More modern therapy might involve sensate focus, the provision of information about sexual techniques, and some training in sexual skills — altogether a more gentle and holistic approach than forced masturbation and enforced intercourse.
Cognitive Behavior Therapy
One of the more interesting possibilities for the treatment of delayed ejaculation is cognitive behavioral therapy.
This therapy can be successful because it is a direct approach to changing the level of inhibition around sexual activity, as well as giving many men a new perspective on sexual issues, which facilitates the full expression of his sexuality.
The Medical Viewpoint:
Ejaculation – Too Fast or Too Slow?
Those men who are taking antidepressants or medication for high blood pressure, or who are abusing alcohol, can often have a slow ejaculation.
In the case of prescribed medication, discussion with a doctor can often identify a suitable alternative that does not produce the side-effect of ejaculatory dysfunction.
Although I’ve never come across it as a suggestion anywhere else, pudendal neuropathy has been suggested by Dr Ricardo Munarriz as a possible cause of ejaculatory dysfunction: this is nerve damage due to a (for example) compressed perineum from bike riding with a narrow saddle.
I have heard of that problem causing erectile dysfunction many times, and perhaps it can cause DE too.
But psychological causation is not so straightforward.
Dr Munarriz has observed that if DE is situational (which means it occurs with one partner or in one set of circumstances) it is probably psychological in origin, and if it’s generalized (which means it occurs with all partners) it’s probably biological in origin. You can read about this here:
Sex Therapy: A Common Treatment For Retarded Ejaculation
Michael A. Perelman, Ph.D., of the N. Y. Weill Cornell Medical Center has written about therapy.
He makes the point that what we tend to call delayed ejaculation is actually one of a collection of “diminished ejaculatory disorders”, a collective term for a whole range of changes and alterations and differences in ejaculation and/or orgasm.
This spectrum of disorder includes varying delays in ejaculatory latency as well as a complete inability to ejaculate, together with changes in the power and sensation of ejaculation.
If you’ve ever experienced the so-called “numb come”, you’ll know just what he means. (The medical term for this is an anesthetic ejaculation, and it refers to those occasions when you orgasm or ejaculate and feel no physical or emotional pleasure. Women experience it too.)
Yet he emphasizes that there is no connection — at least generally — between troubles with ejaculation and erectile dysfunction. Yet, despite this, men with slow or late orgasm and ejaculation are often not very aroused.
And he also makes the observation that many explanations been offered, including unconscious anger, aggression, and all the other theories we cover on this very website.
I suppose it’s obvious really that something as powerful as sex will be affected by many different aspects of your personality, including a taboo around sex during your upbringing, or being highly religious or orthodox, or having a compelling sense of shame and guilt around sexual activity.
(I’m beginning to think that perhaps religious orthodoxy and fundamentalism have a massive – negative – effect on sexual shame and sexual dysfunctions of all kinds.)
He also talks about the role of idiosyncratic masturbation in producing a slow or non-existent ejaculation.
And, here’s another critical factor we’ve also mentioned: the massive disparity between what goes on in a man’s mind — like for example fantasizing about porn stars — and what goes on in his real life, the one where he has sex with a flesh and blood partner who doesn’t match up to the porn star…… oh dear.
The obvious conclusion from this is that men are simply not physically or psychosexually aroused enough during intercourse to reach the point of ejaculation.
There’s also some negative feedback at work: a man worries so much about not being able to come that he’s distracted from those things that would arouse him if he paid attention to them.
You can avoid the need for therapy by looking into the treatment on this website – designed for you to use at home in privacy – here it is – Treatment For Delayed Ejaculation You Can Use At Home
Treatment With Sex Therapy
It’s easy enough to show a man how he can become more aroused during sex by using masturbation techniques, fantasy, improved or increased friction during stimulation, and partner training.
A lot of men simply need some help in understanding how sex “works”. By “training” the penis to respond to a gentler style of stimulation, the man’s body can be educated to achieve ejaculation more easily.
At the same time, he can be shown how to achieve higher levels of psychosexual arousal.
This would involve the use of fantasy, arousing bodily movements during intercourse, finding his “trigger points”, the erogenous zones that encourage arousal and make orgasm easier, and identifying those activities (e.g. “dirty talk”) which could produce sufficient increase in his arousal for ejaculation top be possible within the context of a satisfying sexual experience.
But the partner has to cooperate. She too must find ways to pleasure her man that enhance his arousal, and that can be a realistic part of the couple’s sex life.
For example, she might need to help him “adjust” his fantasies so that they actually match the thoughts he has during intercourse.
Somehow reducing the difference between the partner’s attractiveness, her capacity to arouse him, and the stimulation he gets from fantasy or porn may be helpful, too.
By the way, if a man can ejaculate using a condom, but not without one, then it’s highly likely that he has fear around the possibility of conception….in short, he doesn’t want to be a dad.
And that’s particularly true if a woman’s biological clock is ticking (that’s often the reason people come to therapy for delayed ejaculation).
One of the factors not to be overlooked is anger, whether the man is expressing it or not, towards his partner. It’s a very powerful trigger for avoiding sexual contact, reducing arousal, and producing erectile dysfunction.
So encouraging a man to speak his anger, or express his aggression or assertiveness may be very helpful in treatment, although the impact on the partner certainly needs to be considered.